i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
