then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
