Welp...herpes.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
