i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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