If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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