I want to stick my p in your. b.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
