You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
