Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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