I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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