hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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