By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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