i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
