Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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