My friends, they love my intelligence
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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