I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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