Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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