I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
