Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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