Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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