Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
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you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
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I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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