no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
