Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
