i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
