If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
