A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
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