Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
