ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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