At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you had me at cake vodka
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
