Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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