My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
