i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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