The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
