i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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