one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
