You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
