i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
