I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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