I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
