i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
