Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
