You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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