I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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