This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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