so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
