please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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