Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
