You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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