I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
