Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
