Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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