Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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