We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
