Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
