Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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