I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
