I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
